[2.7 Miki] Forgiveness is Not Words

Story Arc: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

In the end, I decided to take my journal with me. 

Even after writing my last entry, I was still uneasy about confessing what I had done.

Leaving a brief memo on Kiki's bed, I left.

I was determined to go further than the furthest I could go. 

The night was illuminated by the full moon. The song of crickets echoed through the empty streets, a welcomed distraction to the constant barrage of thoughts sparring in my head. 

I must have walked for 5 hours. 

Kiki would have returned home an hour ago and found my memo, with my brief 

'It's time for me to leave. Thank you for everything, I will miss you.'

Was she sad? Was she looking for me?

All of a sudden a gust of wind blew - the next thing I felt was something hitting me forcefully, knocking my body into a thicket of bushes of somebody's home. 

I hit the ground on my back. Instantly I felt bruises forming. Moaning, I sat up and saw through the thicket a cascade of long golden hair, shining in the light of the full moon. 

She looked very thin in frame - was it really her that tackled me with that much strength?

Miki: ...Excuse me-

Woman: Hush. 

Miki: I don't have time for this. I need to get-

Woman: Yous will shuts your mouths.

She spoke with a light accent, putting an 's' emphasis on her word endings. 

Her voice sounded very young, but she spoke in monotone, with an undertone of authority and... hostility?

Confused, I sat quitely as I was instructed and rubbed my aching back. 

Woman: He comes. You stays. Hide.

As soon as 'hide' was out of her mouth, I felt chills stabbing their way up my spine. 

My stomach started to churn.

Something bad was approaching. 

The woman stood and walked slowly towards the direction I had come from, towards whatever was approaching.

Man: Sophia, Sophia... now where did you think you were running off to, my little lamb?

...That voice. I knew that voice. 

I lifted my head a little to get a glimpse at the man that sent such chills in my body. 

Even through the wall of leaves, I made out the features of the man through the light of the street lamps and the moon. The raven black hair and attire. Glowing clear eyes. Pale skin.

My insides flipped inside my body, and I felt like throwing up. 

My mind screamed but no voice came out of my mouth. 

It was him. 

It's been years, but it was unmistakable. 

It was him.

Sophia: There's no ones out here tonights, Seth. You were wrongs.

...The man's name was Seth. And this woman was named Sophia - the woman who pushed me, the one who told me to hide, was on speaking terms with him.

Seth clicked his tongue twice and spoke with an over exaggerated tone of sorrow. 

Seth: It won't do for you to lie to me, Fia. It breaks my heart.

Sophia: You has no hearts.

Seth patted his chest where his heart is suppose to be, then laughed... 

the same laugh he had all those years ago as he entered into our home.

Seth: Would you look at that?

He threw both his arms up in the air.

Seth: You're right. You're right like always, Fia. I have no heart.

He continued to laugh, but seeing Sophia was not joining in, he stopped.

Seth: God, you're so hard to please. But don't worry, my little lamb -

He took a deep whiff of the air.

Seth: ...I can smell one nearby. 

Hearing his menacing tone, I was thrown back into the reality of my situation and realized I had been holding my breath the entire time. I shrank back into the bushes, shaking in fear. 

There was a brief silence as I pulled in my knees and tried to make myself as small as possible. 

Don't breathe, don't come, don't talk, breathe... my mind had gone haywire.

Seth: You know what they say, ladies first.

I heard Sophia's voice, still as strong yet emotionless as before. 

Sophia: I saids, there is no ones heres.

Another gust of wind blew, swaying the bushes. The prickly leaves scratched at my skin, but what concerned me was the loud pounding sound that followed.

It took all the courage I had in me to peek through the bushes again. Although I had been knocked out the last time this man attacked, I had heard from Kiki how strong he was - what he was capable of.

Seth had pushed Sophia to the wall of the house and trapped her between his arms. Sophia, however, stood there, looking like she had no intention of escaping.

I was just barely able to hear Seth's whispering words.

Seth: I thought we were over this.

Thinking back on it now, even if he sounded at the time to me distant and hostile, I would say he in actuality sounded surprisingly concerned... worried or... warm I might even say. 

Sophia didn't answer, and Seth sighed. 

Seth: At least take your shades off and let me look at your pretty eyes.

Sophia: Nos.

Seth: Fia. 

Sophia: Seth.

Seth. Take them off.

Sophia: Nos.

I was expecting some sort of violence to start. Sophia's monotone had not changed throughout the conversation, but Seth's growing anger was clearly evident in his tone by the minute.

But there was nothing. Just the crickets' continued song, oblivious to what was unfolding before my eyes.

Seth raised his head and growled out a long drawn out cuss word before speaking to Sophia again. 

Seth: The things I do for you.

I jumped at the sudden loud bang as Seth pounded both his fists on the house wall. 

Then I saw a flashing blur as he was gone within two blinks of an eye. Sophia turned her head back towards my direction before disappearing like Seth, leaving a gust of wind behind her wake.

I sat there in the bushes for awhile, making sure they were gone. I crawled out of the thicket and looked towards the direction they had left.

...It was towards our university.

It didn't take longer than a second for me to make up my mind.

I had to go back. I had to go warn Kiki.

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It started raining as I ran back. 

I ran without thinking as the rain slapped my face and my clothes started clinging to my body. 

Once on campus grounds I tripped and fell, adding to the number of bruises I had acquired that day. 

I don't know how I fell, but as I fell reality hit me. I didn't know where Kiki was. I didn't know where Seth was. I didn't know anything except that I knew nothing. 

I didn't know what to do, what to think. What to feel.

Rain continued to fall as the sun began to rise. I was slumped there on the ground, staring at my pathetic reflection in the puddle on the ground when I saw another's reflection appear next to mine. 

I sat up slowly. My mind went blank. 

All the confusion I had moments before... disappeared. 

I raised my head and saw Tae standing over me. 

He was also drenched like I was. He was panting slightly, he had been running as well.

He knelt down next to me and stayed like that, his hand in his face. 

I couldn't tell if he was crying, or if it was just the rain touching and sliding down his face.

I found my voice and spoke to him, trying to sound as casual as possible. 

Miki: Tae... What are you doing here in the rain?

My voice cracked and was hoarse. So much for casual I thought. 

If he heard me he ignored my question and continued to sit there, silently. 

I stood up and he stood with me.

I thought he would hold me... or maybe I was hoping he would. 

But he just stood there in front of me, silent, staring at the ground. 

I tried calling his name again, but only my lips mouthed his name - I couldn't even hear myself over the rain. 

But Tae responded in a whisper, not lifting his head.

Tae: You called?

I nodded and stared at his feet. 

He took a step forward so his forehead touched mine.

When I felt how warm his forehead was I realized how cold the rest of my body was and starting shivering.

Tae: ...Are you ok?

I nodded my head slowly, causing our foreheads to massage together.

Tae: We were looking for you.

...So they were looking for me. A cozy sensation warmed my heart with his words.

Miki: ...How, how did you find me?

Tae: I saw you drop this, and saw you running away in the distance. I started chasing after you but lost sight of you with all the turns. I returned to your place in a taxi figuring that's the direction you were heading, but since you didn't arrive I came back out to look for you.

He pulled out what looked like my journal from his pocket. 

Seeing it in his hand, I searched all my pockets and found my journal gone. 

Tae had my journal.

Miki: ...You read it didn't you?

Tae: Yeah. The ride back was long.

Miki: ...So now you know.

Tae: Yeah. I didn't know you thought about me that much.

Although that was true, we both knew that's not what I was talking about.

Tae: You should go back and tell Kiki.

Miki: Tae, I can't-

Tae: I understand what you feel, and I don't blame you for what happened. You have to let your sister know.

I stared up at the darkened sky. Even though the sun was up, the rain continued to pour.

The rain splashed upon my lifted face, warm and stinging.

Miki: You don't understand how I feel. You didn't even know Niki, don't pretend like you know.

That came out harsher than I had wanted, but I let the bitterness sink in. Maybe then he will let me be.

Tae: ...But you came back. I know you want to resolve this, not just run away. 

I suddenly remembered the reason I had run all the way back to university. 

Then a brilliant idea dawned on me.

Miki: Tae, since you know everything, please tell Kiki for me. And tell her to be careful, that he is here.

Tae: He? Who is he?

Miki: Just tell her and she'll know.

I was about to turn back and set out on my journey once again, but the sorrowful expression on his face stopped me from moving. 

Without a word he sat down at a bench. I followed him and buried my head in my hands. 

What was wrong with me?

Tae: Maybe I don't understand how you feel.

My heart sunk at his words. 

Miki: Of course you don't. You're the perfect first son, like Kiki.

There was an uncomfortable silence before Tae spoke again.

Tae: ...I took care of Cloud out of guilt all these years.

He paused, before continuing.

Tae: The night my father died, he wasn't suppose to go out to work. I made him go.

Tae closed his eyes and shook his head.

Tae: He had promised my mother to stay home and teach Cloud how to walk and talk. My mother had already started to teach him, but she loved to see them together. She told my father that a son needs his father.

Tae chuckled briefly to himself. 

Tae: My mother had gone down to the basement to work. Seeing my father there with Cloud, I-

He stopped once again. I asked him quietly, still staring at the grove between my knees,

Miki: What did you do?

Tae: ...I told him to leave. To go work like he always had. I pestered him to go and even picked up Cloud and threw him in his crib. I shoved his guitar into his arms and pushed him towards the door.

Tae: I was stupid... and jealous. I couldn't remember a time my father had taken time off work and stayed home with me when I was Cloud's age. My mother taught me to walk, to talk - everything. 

Tae's voice got quieter as he spoke.

Tae: I will never forget the look of his face as he left. I have never seen him so grieved before. 

Tae looked down at his empty palms. 

Tae: I know when I was born, our home was financially unstable, so he had no choice but to work. By the time Cloud was born, we were doing well, and he could afford to spend more time with his family. But no matter how much I argued these reasons with myself, my logic always lost against my emotions. 

This was a story Tae never told me.

He had always told me he was close with his brother, that he didn't have any problems with him. 

I heard Tae shuffle in his seat and I felt his body against mine. 

Tae's voice was soft and carried with a heavy weight of sadness. 

Tae: If it wasn't for me, Cloud would still have his father. If I had looked past myself and what I wanted, my mother would still be happy with the man she loves.

Tae: ...If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have died thinking he had failed his family.

While listening to Tae speak, I had forgotten all my troubles and was drowning in Tae's hurts. 

I felt the weight of his burden and his guilt through his voice and shared in his sadness. 

Miki: ...But that wasn't really your fault. You didn't know that would happen to him that night. 

Tae didn't respond.

Miki: Tae, I'm sure your father doesn't want you to blame yourself over this.

Tae crouched down facing me. Without knowing why I started crying.

Tae: ...That's what Cloud told me when I finally was able to tell him.

Tae: I may not understand exactly how you feel, or why you did what you did, but I believe you did it for a reason, whether it was selfish or not. 

I couldn't find the words to say, so I let him continue.

Tae: My reason was purely out of spite, but even so my brother was able to forgive me, understand me. I'm positive Kiki will be the same, you just need to let her know and not run away.

Tae paused again and looked thoughtfully at the ground.

Tae: ...Only then, and only then will you be able to start forgiving yourself.

Forgiving myself was the furthest from my mind - I haven't even considered it. I was so worried about what Kiki would think, what Niki would think, I haven't  even considered what I would eventually do with myself.

Miki: ...Will you come with me while I tell her?

Tae looked up at me with his deep green eyes.

Tae: Of course.

I stood up and held my hands out, feeling the rain fall on my skin. 

The thought of confessing what I had done always scared me. 

Talking with Tae and knowing he'll be there when I tell Kiki - suddenly I felt much better and confident to confront Kiki with everything, to ask for forgiveness, that I can, that we both can move on with our lives.

I laughed without meaning to, and felt like a load had been lifted from my shoulders.

I took my eyes off the skies and turned to thank Tae.

I saw him smiling.

It was small, but a true, honest smile.

I had never seen him smile so real before.

It was a smile that ended all too quickly, sealing its place in my memories. 

I wished that smile wouldn't have to be just in my memories. 

I found myself wishing he would smile that smile every moment of his life.

And that I would be there to see it and share it with him.

Tae: What's on your mind?

Tae's question woke me up from my thoughts and I remembered again my purpose for returning.

Miki: I have to go see Kiki.

Tae: I'll call her to meet us.

We arranged to meet her at the park Tae and I met when we wanted to talk alone. Kiki was already there waiting for us. With a glance back at Tae, who nodded to me, I walked towards my sister.

Kiki saw me approach, ran up and swallowed me into a hug.

Miki: Kiki, I-

Kiki: MIKI! I WAS SO WORRIED... your memo, I thought I was going to die... I couldn't... I thought I had lost you two for good...

Miki: ...Kiki, I have something to tell you.

I told Kiki what had happened that night she left. About how I had... I had killed Niki for good years ago. How I pretended to have Niki inside of me still. Everything.

Once I started speaking, everything spilled. I regretted some of my word choices, regretted adding too much detail... but I was telling Kiki everything.

And she listened without a word.

When I got to the part where I had cast a fire spell on Niki's preserved body, Kiki's breathing grew louder and faster. When I told her about how Niki said she knew I hated her, about Niki's ashes, Kiki just stared ahead of her, breathing loudly.

She pulled in her legs and kept listening, to everything I was telling her. 

I kept looking over at Tae, wondering if I should continue, and he would always give me a nod back, encouraging me to get it all out.

Miki: ...I was jealous, Kiki. Of my parents who always put you and Niki first. Of you, always looking after Niki when I needed you too. 

No response.

Miki: I... when Niki first died, I was mortified. As much as I was jealous of her, her ability to get people to love her and her magic, I never once thought she wasn't my sister. I loved her. When you brought her spirit back and hosted her, I... I was conflicted. I was happy to have a part of my younger sister back, but you were always keeping her to yourself, again, leaving me alone. 

I couldn't stop talking now.

Miki: When she caused that trouble for you, I thought it was time to end it. She wasn't good for you, and she needed to go. She should never have died that day by that man, but her spirit shouldn't have been brought to life either.

I took a deep breath.

Miki: I'm not like Niki, and you're not like Niki. Niki has always been herself, and when she died, she died. I knew you couldn't do it, or admit it. I swear,as much as I got rid of her spirit because of my jealousy, I did it for your well being... because... 

I wasn't sure why I was stumbling over these words.

Miki: Because... I love you. I want the best for you, and for Niki. I think for Niki, being put to rest was the best option. When I was actually hosting her, I always felt she wasn't happy. Only when her personality came out did that part of me feel excited, but then my spirit would be upset.

I stopped talking, not knowing how else to explain these feelings. To my relief, Kiki started talking.

Kiki: So, Niki's gone, and you've been pretending.

Miki: ...Yes.

Kiki: ...Good job at acting like an insane person.

I wasn't sure what to do. Kiki didn't sound mad, but she didn't sound like she was joking either.

Kiki sat in silence. She didn't even move to brush leaves that had fallen on top of her head.

Miki: ...I know you're mad at me. You can scream at me, you can hit me if you want... but please, you have to talk to me Kiki. 

The silence was becoming more uncomfortable. 

I was about to stand up and leave when Kiki whispered.

Kiki: I'm sorry.

Miki: ...What?

Kiki: ...Miki, I'm sorry.

Miki: Sorry for what?

Kiki stood and arched her back, facing the sky. 

The rain had long stopped and the sun was shinning through the leaves.

She let out a sigh and spoke.

Kiki: I have a confession to make as well.

I didn't really like the sound of Kiki's tone. She sounded more depressed than I have ever heard her.

Kiki: Truth is, I was very envious of you, for a very long time.

Miki: I don't understand.

Kiki: I'm telling you this knowing full well that you... and Tae, will probably hate me after this.

Miki: Kiki, I don't want to hear it then.

Kiki: No, you have to.

Kiki took in a big gulp of air.

Kiki: Our parents were actually always talking about you, and only you, when you weren't around.

Miki: ...Why?

Kiki: Haha, I guess not for the right reasons? They were always asking me if you were doing well in school, why you didn't have any friends, why no awards... always fussing over every little detail about your day.

Miki: ...But they always were praising you.

Kiki: They did, but those are brief moments of recognition. I almost considered doing poorly in school so they would pay attention to me.

Miki: ...Should I be happy about this?

Kiki: ...You can decide that for yourself. Then there was Niki. Niki... she was always... always asking where you were. Why you never joined us to play. I guess I was never enough for her.

Miki: She was...? I thought she thought I hated her.

Kiki stood silent, basking in the sun for a moment before answering.

Kiki: I told her that.

Miki: ...Why would you-

Kiki: Because everyone always talked about you and wanted YOU. No one wanted to take care of me, ever. You were always the pretty damsel in distress. They always thought I can do everything myself. Even when I was tired, no one even thought that I would be. I felt alone, told to be independent but lacking the strength to be so. I wanted... I wanted Niki for my own. someone to always be there for me, because you were out of my reach.

Miki: ...That's why...

Kiki: That's why I told her you were my cousin and that she was my creation. 

Kiki reached out to the sky and tried to grasp something out of her reach. 

Kiki: When I decided to bring her spirit back... I did it as a silent apology to you, and to her. I was a horrible sister, a terrible example for you two to follow. I wanted to show her that you did in fact care for her when you cared for me while she was hosted in me. 

Kiki sat down on the bench once again.

Kiki: I never realized how hard it would be to have two spirits in one body... I thought because I loved her, my spirit would be fine sharing a body, but that wasn't the case. We were too different, like you said. And if that wasn't the worst of it, I just tossed Niki onto you after... after what happened with Stephen. 

I couldn't really believe what I was hearing.

Kiki: I made up excuses again, saying Niki will now never think you hate her if you keep hosting her for a long time. But that was just me, unwilling to go through with what I had started.

Kiki: ...My attempt at apology ended up failing and caused even more problems, for both of us. 

I'm the worst person... worst sister...ever.

The wind blew, carrying off Kiki's words through the trees. 

The very same words I have been telling myself for years.

Kiki: ...So... even though I am upset - this is all my fault. You have nothing to apologize for. All of this, everything, wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. If I was a proper older sister, a better human being... none of this... absolutely none of this would have happened.

I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I had come to beg for forgiveness, but the opposite was happening. 

I was dumbfounded and my brain frozen.

 Kiki: I... I won't even ask for your forgiveness. But... please... 

She looked at me with a grieving smile.

Kiki: I... I promise I will make it better for you. I will try and become the best sister I can for you, Miki. So please... don't leave. Don't disappear.

I mustered up the biggest smile I could and looked at Kiki.

Miki: ...I think we should both ask Niki to forgive us. It seems like she's the one who suffered the most due to our bickering.

Kiki: ...You're right. I guess that's one thing we have in common. 

Miki: There is one more thing we have in common.

Kiki: ...What's that?

Miki: We both want to forgive each other... right?

Kiki smiled a smile at me that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Kiki: ...Miki... are you sure? Do you... do you really think you can forgive me?

Miki: ...Now that I understand what you were feeling, yeah. Only if you can forgive me as well. 

Kiki pulled me into a hug.

Kiki: I think I already forgive you.

Miki: Don't lie, that's too soon.

Kiki: That's cause you're so lovable.

Miki: Now, that's a real lie.

Kiki: ...You really don't know what this means to me. I will make it up to you, Miki. I will. I've been keeping these... ugly thoughts to myself for years. I'm glad I was finally able to confess, and now that it's in the open, get past it.

Miki: Yeah.. ditto.

 Kiki: Good!

Kiki's face slowly became brighter. I was able to tell by the tone of her voice she was still hurt, but she was trying to get past it.

Miki: We should... I should take you to where I buried Niki's ashes.

Kiki stood up and looked at the ground. I wondered if I had been too early with my invitation.

Although she by word accepted what I had done, I guess this was like losing Niki, all over again.

Miki: ...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's just I've been... every time I was suppose to renew the preservation spell, I would just go to her grave and try to apologize. Every time, though, I felt like I couldn't fully ask for her forgiveness until... until I told you what I had done.

Kiki slowly broke out of her trance and replied in a tone of forced optimism.

Kiki: No, you're right. ...Okay. We'll go the next chance we get. Now that the cat's out of the bag for both of us, we can go apologize to her, together.

Kiki stretched her arms, yawned.

Kiki: Ok, both of you, let's go home! I cook dinner tonight.

With that Kiki ran off as the sun began to set, before I had a chance to answer.

Tae, who had sat silently during the whole conversation, got up, getting ready to leave.

Tae: Ready to go?

Miki: Tae, thanks for everything today.

Tae looked at me in the eye. His hair was still wet, creating curls to frame his face. 

I couldn't hold eye contact and looked away.

Tae: ...You're welcome.

Miki: I'll be there in a bit, go ahead without me.

Tae tried to get my eye contact again, but I didn't give it to him. He left with a quick nod.

...There was that problem too. Tae... how will Kiki and I talk through this one? 

Thinking about it, I had forgotten to mention Seth as well. 

Sophia: Dids you enjoys yours talks?

I jumped at the familiar tone and accent of Sophia's voice. She had noiselessly appeared behind me. 

Miki: You were listening?

Sophia stared at into the distance at the sunset.

Sophia: Forgiveness does nots comes as easys as one hopes.

Miki: ...I forgave her.

Sophia: Forgiveness is nots words, buts a change in hearts. Times, even centuries, can'ts forgives. Onlys by completely forgettings can you say you've truly forgives.

Miki: Sophia, I-

Sophia held up her long index finger to her mouth, as a sign for me to stop talking.

Sophia jumped onto the bench and took off her shades, and put them in her pocket.
I was surprised and annoyed at the same time knowing she had been listening in our conversations for quite a while now.

Sophia: But Is am nots heres for thats. You owes mes ones.

Miki: ...You're friends with that man, Seth. How do you know him? He... he's the one who...

I couldn't finish the sentence. I was too emotionally drained to bring to surface that topic again.

Sophia: Is wills nots let Seth nears yous or yours sister, if you remembers whats I says rights nows.

Miki: ...Tell me.

Sophia leaned in towards my face. She had large beautiful eyes.. her iris was light silver and glowing, like two large full moons pierced in the center with a black hole. Her skin was translucent, her lips, redder than any red I had seen before.

Sophia: Whens the times comes, yous wills pretends to knows mes, and be mys friends.

Miki: When the time comes? When? And why pretend to be your friend?

Sophia looked at me intensely. 

It seemed she was debating whether or not to tell me.

Sophia: Whens you haves becomes parts of the Ribbons households, you wills do mes this deeds.

I felt my face burning and laughed at her face.

Miki: You're kidding right? Become part of Ribbon's household? That... that... you're joking. 

Sophia did not look amused. She looked off into the distance the direction Tae had gone.

Sophia replied in her usual monotonous, emotionless tune,

Sophia: Miki, I nevers jokes.

And with that, with a gust of wind, she was gone.

 My relationship with Kiki has been slowly getting better.

There are occasional stutters that we haven't had before, 

but I think we are on our way to forgiving each other, 

and forgiving ourselves.

Our conversations have changed.
The way we behaved when the other was present, changed.
Now, instead of trying to pretend to be like Niki,
I had a hard time trying to get rid of the habits that have soaked into my actions and speech that
made me seem like her spirit was still inside of me.

We made plans to visit Niki's grave next month.
It seems like Kiki still needs a little time to be prepared.

Kiki always told me relationships are a business, and ours were built upon the foundation of lies.
It was our task to rethink and rebuild as the walls came down.

The process was slower than I had hoped in one sense,
but faster than I had thought in another.

Beyond words, beyond feelings,
behind actions, behind thoughts,
forgiveness has been planted,
in both of us.

Something tells me that everything will be alright.

 With Hope of Complete Recovery,

Miki

Story Arc: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

That was a LONG chapter! For those who don't know Seth... please read Part 2 of the story arc.

But that's the conclusion of the Kiki, Miki, Niki sister series, also tying in some of the beginning entries, of how Eric had died.

I wanted the ending to be a little loose ended like this... hope it didn't make any of you mad - I'm not completely satisfied with how it ended myself...

The difference in Sophia's view of forgiving and Tae's view is a result of their experiences. 
I think everyone really has a different idea of what true forgiveness is.

We will now be moving back out of university back into the Ribbon Household, and move onto the next arc with Cloud + Sophia. As their story line is tied to Miki's though, we will be seeing more of the sisters and Tae ;)

Poses: ForeverHailey, dreamangle, emmy, nekamew, killhiar, IMHO, Aeon, MHO, my palsim, Shianal, Delight33, Skylar, olrchaunet, pnmai, simsimi, pilbo, nadegata, anva94_hak, eternila

Thank you for reading this arc through!
If something doesn't make sense... let me know and I'll try to fix/explain it.